


Rose-Colored Boy

by domniall



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Phil being an angel and the general sweetheart he is, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 13:24:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11149320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/domniall/pseuds/domniall
Summary: Dan is cynical and annoyed and hates how Phil stays calm and simply knows the answer to everything. Except, he doesn't hate it. He just hates he can't be the same as his rose-colored boy.





	Rose-Colored Boy

**Author's Note:**

> song rose-colored boy by the amazing band paramore from their new album after laughter #majorspon 
> 
> when i heard this song for the first time i could think nothing but PHILPHILPHILPHIL because he is nothing but a shining star in this bleak, bleak world so this is what came out of it. certain lyrics popped out at me that i related too but i felt like dan could relate too in certain periods of his life so ...,,, here's that 
> 
> THANK U SO MUCH TO MEGAN AKA HYSTERIALESTER ON TWITTER FOR THE BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK!!!!!!!!

 

2011

_I want you to stop, insisting that I’m not a lost cause, cuz’ I’ve been through a lot_

Dan tosses down the book he was staring at for an hour onto the glass table below him and huffs out angrily. Across the room, Phil yelps lightly and turns his head when he hears the loud smack of the 500-page thick book come smacking down.

“What’s wrong?” The older boy asks, quickly glancing back to the TV to pause the game he was playing. His attention then turned back to Dan who was now near tears as his fists balled up into his eyes.

Dan mumbles into the hoodie he had on and shakes his head before his legs fold up and tuck into his chest. He makes himself smaller before falling back into the couch. “I’m a lost cause. I’m never going to pass this class, or this year, my life. I’m going to end up stuck in some horrible job I don’t want and die.”

Phil sighed out and his eyes rolled with no menace behind them.

He would never stop helping Dan when he needed it.

 He pushed himself off the couch he was on and got himself situated beside Dan who was crying softly now. His arms got around the smaller frame boy and tugged him into his side before Phil could rest his head along his shoulder. Dan tried to shrug away while sniffling to himself but failed.

“You’re not going to end up like you think you are. You’re not a lost cause, you’re just going through what everybody goes through at this age. You will find your path, Dan.” Phil whispered, low enough for just Dan to hear, as if anybody else was listening.

“You’re just saying that.” Dan’s voice was wet with tears and his eyes squeezed shut even tighter as he let them continue to fall down his cheeks. He swiped his arm across his nose again.

“Why would I have any reason to lie to you?” Phil asked while tilting his head down, trying to see Dan’s eyes.

Dan has no answer to that. Phil really does have no reason to lie to him. Phil knows him better than Dan knows himself. It’s just what everybody and their mother keeps telling Dan, and the more he hears it, the more he loses hope in the next 40 years of his life.

“Leave me alone.” Dan mumbles before shrugging his arms out of Phil’s touch. He huffs and turns to face the large windows that lined the wall of their apartment. There’s nothing to see, since it’s gone past 10pm already but Dan’s pouting.

It’s happened so much, Phil doesn’t feel hurt by it anymore. He only frowns slightly but sits himself back up so he can push off the couch and return to his own.

“You’re not a lost cause. You’ll figure it out.” Phil un-pauses his game and smiles as he continues and keeps an eye on Dan who stays in the living room until they both go to bed.

Dan hates how positive Phil is and how he can just act like it’s alright and dandy because he’s already finished school and makes his parents proud and happy.

\--

Exactly a week and three days later, Dan drops out of school.

He comes to tell Phil who, rather than berates him and tells him that he’s made a huge mistake, hugs him and kisses his cheek.

“I knew you’d figure it out.” He smiles while his forehead rests against Dan’s.

Dan still feels nervous and his stomach grumbles while glancing across Phil’s bright eyes.

“I really am a lost cause now. I have nothing going for me.” Dan mumbles.

Phil rolls his eyes warm-heartedly. “You are not. You have Youtube! And video games! You’re not a lost cause.”

Dan likes how positive Phil is and how he tells Dan it’s going to be already and dandy because he knows Dan better than he does.

 

2013

_Really all I’ve got, is just to stay pissed off if it’s all right by you_

Dan’s eyes glance over the words running up through the Younow chat.

‘come out of the closet already lmfao’

‘dan are u gay’

‘does phil top or u ?’

“Right. I’m gonna go.” He fakes his classic smirk and salutes the camera. “I’ll see you all next week. Bye!”

He clicks out of the window and wrinkles his nose before leaning back in the chair he sat on in the office. He could hear pots clattering downstairs –Phil was on dinner duty and wasn’t to be done for a while—so he just sat back and tried to forget about the questions that racked his brain. He clicked open Adobe Premiere and clicked through to try and edit a gaming video.

He had to be called down by Phil, nearly missing the beginning of whatever show they were watching. He sighed and pushed away from the desk to go down.

He was dreading to, yet again, look into Phil’s eyes.

He felt so uncomfortable thinking about it, yet speaking about it between them. The subject was coarse and made Dan think about things he didn’t care to think about it. It was awkward. It was annoying and he really hated how he let it affect him when Phil brushed every mention or acknowledgement of it off.

“Hey, I made you a plate!” Phil called from the living room when he heard Dan’s steps down the stairs. He nodded to nobody and went for his plate. Once out of the kitchen, he took a few steps into the kitchen and looked past Phil to speak to him.

“Hey, you care if I go eat upstairs? I need to finish the video. We can watch tomorrow morning or when I’m done?”

Phil frowned but nodded. “Yeah, that’s fine. I can watch Buffy or whatever’s on. “

“Cool.” Dan said and turned back around swift to go back up to the office.

\--

An hour later, Phil came up for Dan’s plate. He handed it over without a word, his headphones on and Guild Wars flashing across the screen. Phil paused to watch over his shoulder, not saying as he held the plate and old cup in his hand.

“You mind?” Dan finally said, glancing back up to look at the older man behind him.

“I do. Why don’t you talk to me anymore?” Phil says, keeping his eyes on the screen.

Dan throws his headphones down against the desk and presses the heels of his hands against his eye sockets, trying to block out the questions and the dumb assumptions and the annoying thoughts.

“Because it’s the same fucking conversation every single time and you know this.” He digs his elbows down into the desk and hope he gets a splinter somehow.

Phil sighs lightly. He’s not annoyed. He’s disappointed that he isn’t helping Dan like he wants to be.

Phil sets the plate down on the desk and sits himself in the red armchair. He rests his head on his open palm while his eyes look to Dan.

“I’m fucking pissed off because I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I fit in. I can’t put a label on anything because I don’t know what it is. You know how I feel about you. You know what I feel. It’s just. It’s hard. It’s so fucking hard. I don’t know what to call it though. Because I’m not what people say it is.” Dan speaks into the desk and he keeps his head low in between his arms that he cups around the back his neck.

Phil nods. He listens. He always listens the best he can.

“You don’t have to be what people say. The world isn’t like that. You know that.”

“But that’s the fucking thing!” Dan throws his head back, his fists slamming down against the desk. “I can’t fucking help reading every-single-fucking-thing about me! Or sent to me!”

He puts on a mock, high-pitched voice. “’Dan, are you gay? LAWL! Dan, come out already you fag! No homo!’ It’s fucking ruining me! I don’t want to do live shows anymore because they don’t even fucking ask me about videos, or games, or life! They ask about who’s dick is going inside of me or what I like in bed! That’s literally all it is!”

Phil watches as his eyes turn red the more he talks. He’s close to tears and Phil’s breaking more and more he talks.

The first sob, Phil has to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment.

“I just.. I just want fucking people to leave me alone… Us alone.” Dan’s wiping his eyes off on his arm before throwing himself back into the chair, his cheeks wet while he sniffles so he can breathe.

Phil reaches, tugging the chair towards him. Dan whines out, trying to push himself the opposite direction but Phil gets him close enough so he can look at his face.

“Listen, just, Dan.” Phil mumbles but Dan turns his head. He whispers again. “Please listen to me. I know you. Dan, you’re smart and caring, and you have a heart of gold underneath all your cynicism but that’s what I _love_ about you. That’s what everybody loves about you. If you aren’t comfortable with putting anything but your love and passion out there, then that’s okay! You’re okay. Nobody knows who they are or what they’re supposed to be. That’s life.”

Dan shakes his head, doesn’t make eye-contact as Phil rambles on to hm. “I don’t know my own sexuality. I’m lost.”

Phil shakes his head quickly and he’s going for Dan’s hands, holding them and squeezing them. “Okay? That doesn’t make you lost. You’re on a journey. You aren’t lost because I’m literally right here holding your hand and following you on this ride. If you figure out you’re straight with an exception to me, that’s fine! If you find out you’re bisexual, or gay, or anything in between, that’s fine! If you never find out, that’s okay! You don’t need to define yourself unless you want to.”

Dan growls and pulls his hands out of Phil’s and he’s pushing the chair back to stand up. “It’s not fucking okay. I’m not o-fucking-kay.”

Phil sits himself back as he listens and he nods slightly. Dan won’t be fine until the morning, at the least, but it’s fine. Phil is fine because he loves Dan and it’s a struggle for them both.

Phil just watches Dan leave and he waits and thinks. He knows it will work out.

\--

It takes time. Dan slowly stops reading the messages he doesn’t care about. He listens to Phil more. Dan gets pissed but Phil never loses his breath over it. It’s alright by him.  

He lets himself relax. He lets himself be himself. Definitions are hard so he strays from them. He likes the sexually ambiguous feel. He likes Phil and that’s all he knows. He loves Phil. He doesn’t like anybody but Phil, really, and that’s okay. It’s better than okay, it’s good.

Dan learns to be okay with it.

 

2016

_I’m so annoyed, cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me._

Dan looks around at the large stage and he can’t help but smile in pride. He looks to the man beside him he has the same exact smile spread across his lips.

“So this is it, huh?” Dan mumbles. Phil only nods but he’s grinning bright.

Dan and Phil did a book about their entire lives on the internet. And then they did a tour about the book and their entire lives and it was a lot.

They went across America and it was tiring and trying because they’re only two nerds from the internet and not like, actual entertainers.

Mid-tour, Dan is mentally out of it. He loves the life he has made for himself and he loves his fans and Phil and his Youtube channel but he’s tired of it. He doesn’t want to be ungrateful because he’s really not. Every day he wakes up blessed and proud and in love with his job of entertaining people but it’s hard when you’re not happy with how he built it.

One free night, he spends it watching old videos. They talk about the beginnings in the show but he doesn’t always remember the small things fans mention or the inside jokes. He needs a refresher.

While watching, he makes a mental note to apologize for the horribly offensive jokes he made, to never talk about certain animals or bakers again, and to rethink this entirely.  

It comes to him quick. He’s tired and he’s looking at his channel with nothing but a longing to start again.

He’s different now. He’s not a teenager anymore. While he and so many fans love his old videos from Hello Internet to his most recent, it’s not where he sees himself going.

His aesthetic is changing, his life is changing, his goals are changing. He wants his life to _last._

But will it if he changes it completely all at once? Will people stick around when he decides to make something new? Or will they go find another 19-year-old Youtuber making jokes and not caring about anything but having fun.

And don’t get him wrong, he’s having fun, but he wants to do it aesthetically with his ideal setup and his ideal self.

2016 has been nothing but thinking and solving and growing and appreciating. He’s older, wiser, and different and he wants to express that. But what if people really don’t like that?

He shuts the laptop when Phil comes in and he smiles when Phil mentions going out for lunch. Dan nods and gets up and follows him out to a diner and he lets his mind slip back into tour mode before he got too far lost.

\--

That same night, he’s sitting next to Phil covered halfway up. They’re both scrolling and browsing and Dan sighs.

Phil glances over and waits.

“Do you.. like my channel?” Dan finally asks. He likes to pretend that he doesn’t care what people think about him. In retrospect, he really does. He knows he cares what Phil thinks, though. Phil knows too.

“Yeah, why?” Phil looks up at him and lets his own laptop slip down over his thighs a little. “Do you like it?”

Dan ponders. His eyes scan the horrible profile picture and header. He then scrolls down through the videos.

“No.”

Phil’s eyebrows furrow but he stays silent.

“I feel like… I’m not going anywhere at this point. Like. The book, this tour. I feel like. This is our climax. Once this is done, and we go back home, how do week keep up with this?”

Dan’s head turns to face Phil again and they’re both looking at each other and glancing across each other’s eyes.

Phil opens his mouth. “You can’t think like that. This tour.. it’s amazing, but you can’t put yourself ahead of time. Like. We don’t know what’s going to happen. It might stay the same after. It might get better. It might get worse. You just can’t determine your life on what _might_ come next. That’s not logical.”

Dan rolls his eyes but it’s not meant to be to Phil and Phil knows that. He knows everything about Dan and he knows sometimes his mind spirals so deep, it just gets stuck in a loop of existentialism, though he hates to say that now as he wants to leave certain branding behind and Phil fully supports that.

“I’m just. Not happy with what it is. Like, I’m happy and I’m here and this is amazing, mind-blowingly so, but. What is going to come? Are people going to still watch? Do they even care?”

“To an extent.” Phil nods. “I just know a lot of them care about you being happy, though, and if that means you change something, they’re going to be there.”

Dan crosses his arms while he eyes down the laptop in his lap and just stops talking.

“I care about you being happy, too. I’m behind whatever you want to do. Unless it’s like, deleting your channel.”

Dan’s fond eyes glance back to Phil briefly. “Obviously.”

\--

Dan doesn’t want it to show through the performance. He puts on a stage face. He doesn’t think of it as a persona, but it’s a pure being of himself that isn’t worried about anything but doing a good show. It’s draining but it’s a good feeling. He has as sense of completeness and pride when he hears the screams of thousands of people behind the big microwave screen.

They share smiles between each other and tiny pecks before they’re ushered somewhere new and the rush slowly but surely peels off.

It usually takes two hours to feel like you’re in your own skin again and for Dan, it’s not relaxed anymore. His mind is constantly battling between the fear and resentment but the nostalgia and lovability of his channel.

He spends an hour just scrolling through videos. He reads comments and summaries and links. Phil asks him if it’s alright and he’ll just nod and give a smile and mention he’s zoned because he’s tired.

Phil feels that and laughs and nods. He doesn’t say what he knows and what he sees because if Dan doesn’t want to talk about it, he won’t make him.

\--

The tour ends and it felt like being born again. Suddenly there’s more free time and more all day bed adventures and more take-out orders. Christmas looms and it’s so fucking weird to Dan that it’s already nearly the end of the year. Phil’s just excited as usual and it keeps Dan’s mind away.

Though, with tour ending, it leaves Dan with more time to think. He thinks about his place in the universe and why him out of all the people was given this one decision.

 It’s not even a life altering decision. It’s like naming a dog or switching laundry detergent. But it’s also his life. His hard work and artistry and his brand.

He wants to be somebody who is taken seriously but doesn’t take themselves seriously. He wants to be an icon but still be a relatable troll. An edgelord with a suit and tie and a meme folder on his phone—400 pictures and counting.  

His aesthetic doesn’t match his personality per say but he’s trying to make it work.

He watches Phil make videos effortlessly with his nerdy room and his cute hair and his weird face and Phil keeps him sane with his little anecdotal videos.

Even in times of endless despair, Dan types in ‘amazingphil weird kid’ and ‘amazingphil sleepless night’ into the search bar of Youtube and just watches. And just thinks.

Phil never has been somebody he’s not.

From his first video to the latest, he’s been a weird, animal noise maker who likes nerdy things and black hair and video games. He stays up too late and drinks too much coffee to make up for it and he’s nice and kind and it’s not even an act. He’s so fucking nice. Nice enough to let a 19-year-old long haired punk move into his apartment. He’s soft and likes things that he likes. He’s genuine and tells the best stories and they’re always so funny because Phil is just funny. He never exaggerates because Phil truly has that much hilarious drama in his life. He is kind of awkward in social situations and it’s heartwarming and it’s Phil.

Dan’s not crying as he looks at his own then 20-year-old face in the thumbnail of the video he comes across on Phil’s channel, but by the time it loads up and he hears the voices and watches the screen change in the very dark room, he’s wiping his eyes.

He looks up and over to the bed beside him. It’s 3:29 a.m. and Phil shifts in his sleep, smacking his lips together a little before his face presses into the pillow more and he’s settled again.

Dan continues to cry but he smiles to himself.

\--

It takes longer than he thought. They look for houses in the beginning of December and go on holiday and sleep until mid-January and they look more. They make plans they consider not following up on because it’s fucking tiring walking through 4 apartments a day. They didn’t know there was this much in London but they find one that really fits and it’s nice and beautiful and it works so well.

And it’s bought before their offer was finalized.

They search more, going around the area. Both of them are lost and tired and done because they thought they had their dream home and they thought they were getting a dog and they thought this was the final piece.

They find something that works, though. It’s smaller, but it’s still in a good place. They know the area and it works and the third bedroom is kind of small so Phil ‘takes it’ and before they know what’s going on they’re in Australia.

They do their thing and Dan makes sure people know he’s still edgy and cool with his ripped jeans.

Phil notices the aura, like he always does. He can feel Dan getting built up for something. They’ve talked about things but never for sure what was going to happen.

\--

Phil quickly finds out when his Twitter blows up and Dan’s not in the same room. That’s never a good sign.

He checks and scrolls through to see Daniel Howell.

He rolls his eyes in the fondest way he can and locks his phone back up to return to eating his pizza and watching the TV. Dan comes down to the first-floor lounge and he’s smiling and he grabs a piece to take a bite and sits himself next to Phil.

Phil looks up. “Do I know you? You’re not Dan.”

“Fuck off.”

Phil full on giggles with his eyes crinkled. Dan returns a smile. One of gratitude and thanksgiving and pure admiration but he’s still on edge slightly. Phil feels the air slightly unsettled around him.

Phil reaches over and wipes the sauce off the corner of his lips, instead and licks his finger. Dan laughs and turns to the TV.

_I know we all can’t be like you_

_I wish we were all rose-colored too_

_My rose-colored boy_

**Author's Note:**

> my twitter is [ domniall](https://www.twitter.com/domniall) and megan my lovely friend and artist is [hysterialester](https://www.twitter.com/hysterialester)


End file.
